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Tech to Replace Talk

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Posted on 6th August 2010 by Jade Handy in Persuasion |Relationships

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Not likely.

In my untitled post this week, I made the bold assertion in passing that “computers will never completely replace humans.”  You can quote me on that.  I did.

R.I.P. Travel Agents.  Or Not. reiterated my point, though not verbatim.

…not for everyday business trips on well-known airlines to familiar cities. Those excursions are indeed simpler for me to book myself. But the next time I’m headed to an unfamiliar place where choosing the wrong hotel (or the wrong airline, or restaurant, or transportation, or part of town) can mean the difference between a memorable experience and a disaster, I’m likely to seek professional help. Sure, the Web is a terrific way to filter information, but there’s a whole lot more to filter these days, and I just don’t have the time or inclination to do it.

People as the filter.  I like it.  Constantly filtering information that comes into our world.  Filtering for facts that make sense, communication we understand, faces we recognize, and gut reactions.

These types of things make you the Linchpin, the go-to guy, the non-bot.

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The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated.  -Mark Twain #simpletruth

BTW – If you’re job can be replaced by a computer, then move to India and befriend “Steve.”  -Jade Handy  #isthatpc?

Photo Credit:   By 姒儿喵喵 No real name given on Flickr

I Have a Great Idea

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Posted on 5th August 2010 by Jade Handy in Coaching |Peak Performance |Relationships

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Keep it to yourself!

Christine Kane doesn’t blog a lot, but she does pull out a great one from time to time.  How to Have Unwavering Faith in your Own Ideas is one of them.

I definitely have a friend who, like Christine’s article, does this (“Okay – I have this idea. Here’s the deal…”)  He calls every few months with another great idea, usually a business start-up idea.  The problem is it’s every few months.

He, too, has great ideas, and some of them are relatively inexpensive to get off the ground.  But, the time commitment…ouch.

Christine writes, “The real issue is not about the idea. The real issue is about DOING IT.  And the even realer issue is about fear.  As Seth Godin so aptly states:  “There isn’t a shortage of ideas. There’s a shortage of execution.””

There isn’t a shortage of ideas. There’s a shortage of execution.

I agree.

These are her writings, as well.

1.  Consider HOW you share your ideas.

2.  “Procrastination-by-Inquiry.”

3.  Be careful WHO you share your idea with

4.  …“What is the very next step I need to take?”

5.  …Make a decision. Tell someone you’re going to do it.  Move forward. Then wake up tomorrow and decide again.

What do I say to my friend?  I first ask him, “Who’s taking which first step and when?”  And, if he calls my bluff, I say, “let’s do it.”

Of all people, he should know, “nothing happens until first a sale.”

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Ideas are a dime-a-dozen.  -Everyone  #figureofspeech  #sotospeak

Good ideas are a dime a dozen, bad ones are free.  -Douglas Horton

Heartthrobs are a dime a dozen.  -Brad Pitt

Biff: Pop! I’m a dime a dozen, and so are you!
Willie: I am not a dime a dozen! I am Willy Loman, and you are Biff Loman!  -Death of a Salesman Act 2

Photo Credit:   Clint M Chilcott's buddy icon By Clint M Chilcott on Flickr

Only Child Syndrome

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Posted on 2nd August 2010 by Jade Handy in How to Reverse Engineer |Let's Talk About Language |Persuasion |Relationships |Selling Language

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When something happens never, then does, I usually perk up and notice.  Only-child syndrome is one of those.  However, I’m not talking about it only in the context of an only-child, but we’ll start there.

Ever talk to someone who only has one child about how that child relates to other children? 

One set of parents will say, “Little Johnny is an only-child, so, of course, he is going to engage with other children whenever he gets around them.”

Another set of parents will say, “Little Jenny is an only-child, so, of course, she is going to be shy around other children whenever she gets around them.”

Now, this is paraphrasing and simplifying and unfairly categorizing, of course, but that’s an important step in the process of pattern recognition and reverse engineering. 

This only-child syndrome that I’m talking about doesn’t just happen with only-child parents, of course.  It happens with all kinds of on/off patterns (as opposed to rheostatic-types where the condition is a gradation of the extremities.) 

You might recognize this having occurred when someone talks about poker tells, birth order or even someone’s upbringing and the type of person they are.  e.g. “Miles grew up with a silver spoon, so, of course, he’s going to demand a higher standard of living for himself.” VS.  ”Miles grew up with a silver spoon, so, of course, he’s not going to know how to develop higher standard of living for himself.” 

How about sports?  “Amy has always been active, so, of course, she’s going to continue the habit when she’s older.”  VS.  “Amy has always been active, so, of course, she’s going to burn out on the habit when she’s older.”

And on and on.

The overall point being, notice how people organize their experience, give reasons for things, and influence behavior using it.

And, of course, compare it to what’s not there.  Meaning, notice what could have been said and wasn’t.  This is where you develop pattern recognition.  Because there is something driving the decision, and in that context, it can help predict future decisions and behavior.

Most of us recognize these things, naturally, but of course, there are always those who don’t.

As far as which is controlling which, does the pattern control the behavior, or are there really reasons for things, well, that’s one for the chicken and the egg to decide.

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Photo Credit:  view photos by Sergiu Alistar on Flickr

Using Cialdini Mirroring

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Posted on 24th June 2010 by Jade Handy in Persuasion |Relationships |Selling Language

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I know. I know. That's why I used it!

 Again, this post inspired by Steve Roesler’s post Ten Ways You Can Be More Persuasive.  2. Mirroring – People respect, like, and are most easily influenced by people who they perceive to be similar to themselves (see Social Proof above).  So one way to influence someone is to mirror them.  Mirror their speech and their actions.  If you verbalize back to someone something they have said and in the same words, you instantly become more influential.  The same thing applies to posture and actions.  If you want to influence Mike, then you need to act like Mike.  If he is leaning back in his chair, then you would be wise to do the same.  

Here’s my take on this:  

When in Rome…?  Ever heard of it?  Not only that, but this concept of mirroring verbal and non-verbal aspects of others has really only been around since the ’70s.  Mirroring body language, especially, has been popularized by proponents of NLP, neuro-lingustic programming.  It’s now so mainstream -how mainstream is it, Jade? – it’s now so mainstream, salmon are spawning in it.  That’s mainstream!   

How it made it into Yes!: 50 Scientifically Proven Ways to Be Persuasive (an Amazon Affiliate link,) without reference to NLP, I’ll probably never know.   

But, seriously, while mirroring and matching has been going on since the beginning of mankind, the thought of using it purposefully in interpersonal relationships and, in particular, persuasive communication, has been a somewhat more elusive application of social proof.  But, what’s obvious is how this occurs in everyday interactions, whether or not it’s characters, us, are consciously away of it, or not.    

Think about it, how many times can you think of, just recently alone, where you and a friend are having a conversation and mathcing each other in some way.  Holding the same posture?  Or, changing posture synchronously, like a dance?  Exchanging the same descriptive words?  Speaking at the same rate of speed?  Exactly.  Often, huh.  

Can you think of a time, recently, where you purposely matched someone in order to take on their emotion?  Now, that’s conscious use of mirroring.   

But, this concept goes waaaaaayyyy beyond verbal and non-verbal communication.  It’s application can be felt in nearly every area of communication.  Whether it be advertising (customer criteria, keywords, words that sell,) sales (pacing,) marketing (aligning,) interdepartmental (global initiatives,) interpersonal (rapport,) job search (interviewing skills,) corporate communications (integrating best practices,) politics (with commonplaces,) you can be rest assured, someone is trying to match up with their audience in order to more powerfully persuade.  

Again, when in Rome, do as the Romans do.  Back in the day, barbaric as they were, this advice, no doubt, was much more than a suggestion.  

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If somebody thinks they’re a hedgehog, presumably you just give ‘em a mirror and a few pictures of hedgehogs and tell them to sort it out for themselves.  -Douglas Adams  #doseofreality  #conduplicatio 

The time will come when it will disgust you to look in the mirror.  -Rose F. Kennedy  #wrongjustwrongonalllevelswrong 

That’s enough mirror quotes.  Let’s go somewhere else. 

I seldom end up where I wanted to go, but almost always end up where I need to be.  -Douglas Adams  #contrast  

We have normality.  I repeat, we have normality.  Anything you still can’t cope with is therefore your own problem.  -Douglas Adams, again 

In order to fly, all one must do is simply miss the ground.  -Douglas Adams, yet again  #simpletruth 

He was a dreamer, a thinker, a speculative philosopher…, or as his wife would have it, an idiot.  -Douglas Adams  #paraprosdokian 

Why am I jumping around like this? 

I refuse to answer that on the grounds that I don’t know the answer.  -Douglas Adams  #reformcliche 

Or, refer back to the previous quote “I seldom end up…” 

I love deadlines.  I like the whoooshing sound they make as they fly by.  -Douglas Adams  #onomatopoeia 

For a moment, nothing happened.  Then, after a second or so, nothing continued to happen.  -Douglas Adams  #justplainsilly 

Couldn’t have said it better myself!  Stick around, folks.  I’ll be here all week. 

Photo Credit:  Flickr and dalbera

Using Cialdini Mirroring Version 2

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Posted on 23rd June 2010 by Jade Handy in Persuasion |Relationships |Selling Language

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Again, this post inspired by Steve Roesler’s post Ten Ways You Can Be More Persuasive.  2. Mirroring – People respect, like, and are most easily influenced by people who they perceive to be similar to themselves (see Social Proof above).  So one way to influence someone is to mirror them.  Mirror their speech and their actions.  If you verbalize back to someone something they have said and in the same words, you instantly become more influential.  The same thing applies to posture and actions.  If you want to influence Mike, then you need to act like Mike.  If he is leaning back in his chair, then you would be wise to do the same.

Here’s my take on this:

This is really so old hat, I can’t believe I’m actually even writing about it, but anything for my readers.  If you haven’t learned this one by now, I don’t know how to respond.  Virtually every sales, persuasion, and relationship expert out there of all kinds has touched on this, so I guess, now’s my turn.

I’ll start by telling you my favorite story about my experience with personal influence.  And, then build on it.

Waaaaaaaayyyyy back in the day, I graduated high school.  I moved out to San Diego, California. No, not for the military.  I don’t know why everyone asks me if that’s the impetus, but it’s not.  Anyway, that’s a story in and of itself.

Shortly after arriving in San Diego, I read Unlimited Power : The New Science Of Personal Achievement
by Anthony Robbins (link is an Amazon Affiliate link.)  It was my second “self-help” book.  He’s probably going to roll over in his grave when he reads “self-help” (not to mention he’s not dead!  Far from it.)  Anyway, I read the book, was awestruck, and immediately wanted to go out and test what I had been reading in it about mirroring body language and creating rapport.  So I did. 

Family Fitness Centers was still around back then.  It’s since been bought by 24/7 Fitness.  I applied for a job.  At the time, I was built like a brick s***house, so I figured I was qualified to teach others.  Plus, I had read Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Encyclopedia of Modern Bodybuilding (Pelham Practical Sports)(link is an Amazon Affiliate link,) so I was definitely educated on the subject of fitness and health (read sarcasm here.) 

I talked myself into an interview with then manager, Angela.  Angela was the local proprietor’s daughter.  Anyway, during the interview, I was going over-the-top mirroring and matching Angela’s body posture and movements.  I really thought I was being so obvious that she was going to stop the interview and kick me out and not get the job.  She’d cross her arms, I’d cross mine.  I’d uncross mine, she’d uncross hers.  She’d touch her nose, I’d touch mine ad infinitum, ad nauseam, add you get the picture.  The “dance.”

As expected, I got the job.  Jade Handy, fitness consultant.  Or, whatever the job position was, officially. 

I thought I had arrived.  This stuff really works.  Mirroring and matching, that is.  Not to mention I was from Iowa and extremely good looking (read big-headed,) which does help.  I was sold on this stuff.  But wait, there’s more.  Stick around (#dirimens copulatio - remember, this is a blog on rhetoric and persuasion.)

Weeks or months later, I don’t remember, Angela took me aside and told me she didn’t know exactly why she had hired me.  No, she wasn’t about to fire me.  Far from it.  She went on to tell me that her mother, Ann, had told her to not interview me for the job.  They weren’t hiring, and specifically to NOT hire me!  My mouth dropped, inside as I was listening to her.  I remember thinking, “wholly s***!  This stuff really works!”

Now, everyone knows about this mirroring and matching thing.  But it doesn’t stop it from happening.  It’s a completely natural sign of people in rapport.  And, mirroring isn’t the only path to rapport, sometimes a compliment gets just as much mileage.  So, if you see me doing it, notice when you’re doing it, as well.  And, now you know something about me and something about how you can use it to your advantage, so go to it!

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I had a lot of fun working with John Candy. We had a pretty good rapport.  -Harold Ramis  #tautology

I think there’s a natural chemistry between us as friends; and there’s really no separation between the rapport that we feel when we’re in conversation and when we’re playing music, it’s one in the same.  -Benny Green  #repeater

We still have that same burn, to get that same kind of laughs. So whether the studio wants us to or not, we’re going to do it. The money is just a byproduct of coming out with good stuff. Our whole thing is building that rapport with the audience.  -Shawn Wayans

Football isn’t a contact sport; it’s a collision sport. Dancing is a contact sport.  -Vince Lombardi  #alloiosis

Dancing’s just a conversation between two people.  Talk to me.  -Steven Rogers, “Hope Floats”  #simile  #analogy

In conversation as in dance, each is the mirror of other.  -Author Unknown  #simile  #analogy  P.S.  I don’t know Bo Didley, either   

Photo Credit:  Flickr and fofurasfelinas

Q & A – Are You Always Repeating Yourself

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Posted on 18th June 2010 by Jade Handy in Let's Talk About Language |Persuasion |Relationships |Selling Language

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Q – Jade, it seems as if you are always repeating yourself.

A – No doubt.  No doubt it does.  And, it could be that I am.

Q – Are you?

A – Absolutely…well, not all the time.  No.

Q – But, aren’t your last two answers repeaters?

A – Yes.  Yes they are.

Q – Why do you do this?

A – Other than because I’m obsessively compulsive about repeater patterns?  Well, let’s see, I have found them to be very persuasive in persuasive communications of all types.  Advertising, sales, marketing, interdepartmental, interpersonal, interestingly, in just about every area that I observe and hear.

Q – You said, “interpersonal.”  What are some examples of that?  

A – Other than you having just repeating “interpersonal?”  Let’s just take that, for instance, for a moment.  One of the things I have noticed that salespeople do is repeat back the last word or phrase to their prospect in order to get them to open up more during the sales conversation.  It’s very effective.  I’m not a psychologist, so I don’t know the psychological reason for this, but I can tell you it’s definitely a pattern and an effective one at that.

Another thing it does is reconfirms that the target person said it in the first place.  Whether it was said just previous or days or weeks or months ago, it can be used to take the target person back to that moment and recapture what they were thinking at the moment and refresh their memory, if you will, about the all the thinking that went into it.

And, yet another purpose is that it ties them to it.  And, when you do it gracefully, it is received well.  It’s hard to disagree with what you said.  In other words, it’s hard to disagree with your own ideas when you’re faced with them.  After all, they’re their ideas!  The need to stay consistent with what they’ve said previously weighs heavily. 

Similar to the way a high performing person opens up a follow up call or appointment with, “…you said the other day you were looking to improve your processes, what did you mean by that?”

If you don’t remember, you could just ask them.

Another example is when you opened this question with “You said, ‘interpersonal?’”

So, I would highly advise someone to use it in very personal relationships, also.  Not only in the courting phase, but all phases of your relationship.  Imagine coming home from a rough day of work and opening the door with “I love you.”  Since it’s true and you left for work that morning saying it, it’s a great opening.  Or, another example is “when you said the other day in passing that you were hungry for ice cream are you still hungry for a nice cold heaping helping of ice cream.  You screamed, I scream, we all scream for ice cream.  What do you say?” 

I’m going to go get me some!

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A best-seller was a book which somehow sold well because it was selling well.  -Daniel J. Boorstin  #conduplicatio 

Photo Credit: glamhag on Flickr

Thats Not a Good Thing

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Posted on 17th June 2010 by Jade Handy in Coaching |Peak Performance |Persuasion |Relationships

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I have been wanting for some time to write about being trapped by our own successes, but just haven’t been inspired to do so, until now.  Now that’s a message in a message about this message, BTW.

The reason for this message is that I have a friend, a dear friend, who just can’t seem to get locked into a relationship with someone.  Or, maybe it’s the other way around.  I don’t really know, I’m not a psychologist.  But, what I do know from listening to his story time after time is that he was a victim of his own success.

Maybe you’re thinking, “Jade, usually you’re a genius, but I’m not following you on this one.”  Yet.  What I’m saying is, not unlike the stories or movies you know of that match this particular situation, but very personal stories.  Sometimes we get trapped when our actions get rewarded because it tricks us into thinking what we did will work every time.

So my friend, John, right?  Everyone uses “John.”  Not sure why.  John is a generic name for guy, I guess.  And, this isn’t one of those stories where I’m telling a “my friend John” story and it’s actually me.  It’s not.

My friend John has told me several times about meeting a girl (quite a few years ago, now) and hitting it off right away.  He captured her attention with his passionate story about his…work.  Yes, his work.  He was so excited about what he was doing at the time that he could tell she was lit up by his passion and it drew her in.

Repetition is the mother of skill, but come on…

The problem is they are NOT together any longer (wasn’t that long to begin with,) and ever since, he thinks his passionate talk about the work he was doing at the time is still what draws women in.  Now, keep in mind, he’s not in that line of work anymore, either.  See the problem?  If not, look closer.

He hasn’t recognized that what he’s doing isn’t working, but since it worked once… once, he made it a permanent part of his whole strategy.  How many of us are doing similar things in our relationships?  Work relationships?  Customer relationships?  I don’t mean the personal relationship part, but the insanity part.

Notice what’s working and not working and adjust.  Do something different!  Anything else has a better chance of succeeding.

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The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.  -Multi-attributed to Benjamin Franklin, Mark Twain, Albert Einstein, and Mae Brown in 1983!

“C.J. on your tombstore, its going to read, Post Hoc, Ergo Propter Hoc.” … “…It means,” the President lectures, “one thing follows the other therefore it was caused by the other. But it’s not always true in fact it’s hardly ever true.”  - TV Show The West Wing

Photo Credit: flickr and Chicago Man

The Ick Factor

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Posted on 3rd June 2010 by Jade Handy in Persuasion |Relationships

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The Ick Factor.  I can’t stand it.  Unless, of course, it’s working to my advantage. 

I’ll give you an example.  If it weren’t for the Ick Factor, people would recognize that people can be trained like dogs.  But, because no one wants to be associated with a likeness to dogs, we shy away from learning from the similarities we share with the animal world.  Mainly, that we learn the same.  True, humans are more complex, but that’s secondary to the similarities. 

e.g. Getting your children to eat lots of tasty healthy foods is where I’m going with this.  If people understood that this is primarily influenced by scarcity and freedom, the world would be a lot healthier.  Now I understand I don’t have a ton a credibility with healthy eating since I try to eat two packages of Pop-Tarts daily, you can still learn what works for me, test it yourself, and, as always, adjust accordingly. 

People want freedom of choice.  We know this.  Whether it’s the illusion of choice or total freedom of choice, is another blog post, but for our purposes here, let’s say illusion of choice will work with children.  Maybe it’s mean to only give a child a choice of eating what’s on their plate or not eating at all.  If that’s how you feel, you’re going to have a hard time digesting this.  However, if you are searching for what works, proceed. 

The other thing is scarcity.  Now with children, we know they don’t like to have their toys taken away from them.  Coincidentally, this goes for many possessions in their lives, clothes, cars and, you guessed it, food.  Interestingly, even if it’s the illusion of possession.  The illusion of possession is them thinking they own these things, but ultimately, they don’t.  Their parents do. 

I’m going to change direction here a little bit and propose that you combine scarcity and ownership with choice.  You do this by taking away (threatening to or pretending to, at least) the food that they refuse to eat, and then giving them the choice of eating it, or not.  It’s up to them.  “Little Johnny, we’re going to pass your plate around the table and let everyone have a bite.  If there’s anything left when it finally gets back around to you, then you can decide if you want to eat it or not.

Hey, sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.

The Ick Factor isn’t just everyone taking a bite of their food (the image of this will be enough.)  But, more importantly, not feeding your child (or even the threat of it) is akin to child abuse.  Luckily, it won’t go this far, but that won’t stop some parents from not being responsible for being effective at persuasion. 

If you want to get crazy with this, you can even throw in a fairness element.  Children, as you know, insist on fariness.  “Johnny, it’s not fair that you get to be the only one eating chicken (when they smirk, you know this is working on them.)  Everyone else has to eat either a hot dog or a hamburger (chicken is a toss in the dark effort to try something new and different).” 

Sometimes we have to sacrifice a short-term discomfort for a long-term comfort.

Here’s another example of the Ick Factor at play.  Sometime during the spoon-feeding phase of child-rearing, your child will want to swipe at your hand vs eating.  Not their fault.  It’s just a natural defensive reaction to shoving something in their face.  But, this makes it hard to get the food in their mouth. 

Instead of restraining them, which just makes them frustrated every time, try rewarding them when they don’t swipe, by inserting food.  If they don’t restrain their own hands (freedom of choice,) they don’t get the reward.  The Ick Factor, again, is not feeding your child momentarily (apparently this is worse than forcibly restraining a child and shoving food in their mouth or even worse screaming at them and throw dishes across the kitchen.)  But, rest assured, if done correctly, and with conviction, your child will learn quickly that they get to choose when to eat (which presupposes they are eating) and they get to feel like they are training you to perform on demand (another favorite of children an dogs.)  A childish win-win, but none the less, a win-win. 

Don’t let the Ick Factor prevent you from doing what works and what’s best for your child, seeing through the BS, making the right decision, or acting on a well-researched thoroughly-considered opportunity. 

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Photo Credit:   flickr and hugovk

*Hold harmless disclosure: Let me emphasize that this me exercising my First Amendment right to write about a persuasive bluffing strategy played out over mealtime, not an endorsement of the starvation of children, the non-feeding of children or any other mistreatment of children, obviously.  Any misuse or misunderstanding of the writing contained in this blog post, or any of my posts for that matter, is is strongly opposed by the author, Jade Handy and State Of Mind Coaching & Training.

Circus Level Tension

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Posted on 3rd May 2010 by Jade Handy in Persuasion |Relationships

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Starting with the excited anticipation and ending with the last act of walking out. 

Well heck, even before the show started, I found out a very close relative was in the Intensive Care Unit of the hospital.  I know, sad, right?  Very.  I should have told him to hold off a day as he was making me feel guilty for going to the circus.  But, it was our own fault.  Going to the circus, that is, not putting him in the hospital.  We could have went the day before, had we planned better.  Go figure.

It was the first time, for my wife and I, taking our children to the circus.  You know how when you first walk into something you haven’t walked into before, it’s always a little bit of “oooo” what’s about to happen along with a whole lot of WTF is going on?  People left and right just looking out for themselves.  Seems like total chaos. 

Luckily, there were a bunch of clowns there clowning around and lightening up the mood.  I guess that’s what they do, though.

I have to say, it was interesting noticing the cast being crew, too.  When I was young, I didn’t notice this, of course.  You could tell they weren’t happy about it.  The most pretty of the cast was taking money at the elephant ride.  Clearly she thought this was beneath her as she was just so annoyed by the whole idea of her having to not be just a pretty face. 

Realize that everyone in an organization sells.

The first stunt of the evening was the trapeze.  This had everyone on the edge of their seat.  High flying aerialists tumbling through the air in death-defying tricks that make your heart stop until they grab onto each other “safely,” again, and landing on the platform.

Then came the bears.  Real life bears.  Not wild bears, tamed bears.  But, bears, none the less.  Of course, you’re just waiting for one of them to snap like you see on YouTube and treat it’s trainer like a honey pot.  What ever that means, but it ain’t good, that’s for sure.  On the other hand, how cute and adorable is an eight foot teddy bear walking on it’s hind legs and waddling around like a Weeble Wobble until it sits upright on a bike and rides it around as funny as a clown on a unicycle.

Finally, intermission.  Time for a break from the emotional roller coaster.  Our children ride the elephant, ponies, and do other fun rare picture-perfect stuff memories are made of. 

After that, back to stunt elephants and clown levitatants. 

What’s the pattern here?  Well, believe it or not, there’s a method to this madness they call a circus.  Circus science if you will.  Admission/intermission.  Cast and crew.  Tension - release.  Tension – release, go figure, the circus (and this post) has a theme behind it and it’s not just rhyme or alliteration.  I wasn’t expecting a clown act between every stunt, so that’s how it was so glaringly obvious what they are doing. 

What a roller coaster of emotions.  What a way to keep attention, too. 

Application to sales and business?  Remember Prospect-Demo-Close?  Underpromise/overdeliver?  Challenge, achieve. 

If you’re in the dating game; keeping them guessing by being open to being chased, getting caught, being chased, getting caught.  Hey, that’s the rhythm of life, right?

No pressure, no diamonds.  And, as far as my younger brother in the hospital?  Well, I’m still waiting for release…

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Life is like a roller coaster; you have your ups and downs, unless you fall off.  -Unknown  #ruleof3  #paraprosdokian

I always feel like I’m on a roller coaster, but I never want to get off!  There’s a certain high you’re always on.  -Leonardo DiCaprio

To me, clowns aren’t funny. In fact, they’re kind of scary. I’ve wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.  -Jack Handey  #paraprosdokian

Time is a circus, always packing up and moving away.  -Ben Hecht  #simile

Every country gets the circus it deserves. Spain gets bullfights. Italy gets the Catholic Church. America gets Hollywood.  -Erica Jong  #ruleof3

Photo Credit:  http://www.flickr.com/photos/dirkscircusimages/ / CC BY-ND 2.0

People are Never To Young or Dumb

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Posted on 16th April 2010 by Jade Handy in Let's Talk About Language |Objection Strategies |Persuasion |Relationships |Selling Language

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…to understand what they want.

Harold Jarche has written a post I had wished I had written  Shape Pattern, Not Programs.  Not so much in terms of envy, but timing.  I have been developing People are Never To Young or Dumb for a week or so.  I was waiting for the perfect anchor.  Then I stumbled upon his post.  Read on.

My comment on his post:  “This post is perfect as written.  Milan, we can not solve problems at the level they were created (Einstein paraphrase. No accuracy correction needed.)  What I got from it is what I have been telling parents like me for several years even before I had children of our own.  It’s not a child’s responsibility (parent criteria & “They are not little machines waiting to be directed by higher headquarters. “) to obey.  It’s not even on their intellectual radar.  So don’t work against the grain, go with it.  Now, I can’t tell you the long term effects as I am not that wise in years, yet, but what I do know is a child is never too young or dumb to know what they want.  Therefore utilize this.  Find what they want and leverage it.  It makes life for everyone so much easier and constructive.”

I’ll give you a specific example.  If you find that your child wants to wear a certain outfit, use this.  You’re trying to get out the door to work and say, “come on, let’s go.  I’m gonna be late.”  Guess what?  They don’t care.  Nor should they. 

What they do care about is wearing their choice of clothes.  So use this.  Say, “Johnny, do you want to wear your Bob the Buider underwear?”  Yes.  “Then get out of bed, fix your eggs and toast, find your driver’s license, and be ready to go when I’m walking out the door in 10 minutes.”  It’s funny, but it really is this easy when you get the hang of it.  Remember to return the favor, when effective.

Back to people’s “wants” mindset.  Freud’s cousin’s PR war supports this fully.  This is part 1 of 2.  Remenber, though, while watching this that I didn’t invent or conceive this idea, I just found it (a week ago. #ambiguity)

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Once, again, people are never to young or dumb to to understand what they want.  Of course, it’s not always what they need, but that’s another whole blog post.

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Zig Ziglar revived this thinking inadvertantly, maybe, with “you can get what you want if you can help enough other people get what they want.”

People are never too young or dumb to understand their wants.  -Jade Handy #sbns #simpletruth

**Special thanks to @mikesansone, @drewmclellan and @tobydiva for helping rid me of my arbitrary concept of sandbagging and rationing my posts to 1 per day.  I distinctly remember this post’s points implicitly implied by them.  They’re worth it. #alliteration #ambiguity

4th Wheel Rolling

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Posted on 14th April 2010 by Jade Handy in Relationships

No, don’t think 3rd wheel.  Don’t think middle child. (#anaphora)

It’s better.

Tonight, I had an amazing conversation over dinner with @mikesansone, the Blogfather, @DrewMclellan, and none other than @tobydiva, herself.  This is like Aristotle sitting with Plato and Socrates for the first time all together!  My teacher and the teacher’s teacher. 

I don’t even know how I ended up in the mix.  I guess sometimes all you have to do is show up in order to be a part of the show.  If you’re wondering, it was a little bit jazz and a whole lotta rock ‘n’ roll!

I was thinking this was going to be another large social media event (it wasn’t.)  This was in honor of @tobydiva coming to town for an AMA Social Media Bootcamp.  And it was, but one I’ll not soon forget.

So, what was it like, Jade?  It was like …(ok, ok, not in metaphorm.)  We sat around and talked like human beings do.  We weren’t on our devices tweeting and commenting and retweeting.  We were just talking. 

Now back to a metaphor.  It was like the walrus and polar bear scene in Planet Earth or it’s abbreviated offspring Disney Earth.  You know the drill, polar bear is hungry, so it goes on the hunt for walrus calves (me) and the community of mamas and papas look after the calves, whether or not they are their own.  Only in this story, the polar bear is ignorance.  And, they weren’t about to let me walk out of there with that affliction.

Noticing this, I just listened.  Sat back and listened.  They were busy catching up with one another and bringing each other up to speed.  I didn’t say I didn’t know what they were talking about the whole time, but I’m sure they picked up on it. They pulled me in plenty enough to let me know I was welcome at the table, though. 

Sometimes when you’re with your peeps, you gotta just be there in a supporting role.  Because if you don’t, it gets off balance and awkward real quick. 

In the end, I learned a ton, had some fun, and got to know my new chums. 

Thanks Mike Sansone, for inviting me.  Thanks Toby Bloomberg and Drew McLellan for welcoming me. (#epistrophe)

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Just a bunch of people putting their hearts online.  -Drew McClellan #synecdoche

To rhyme is not a crime.  -Jade Handy #sbns

Photo Credit:  http://www.flickr.com/photos/oskay/ / CC BY 2.0

Give Them the Courtesy of Returning the Favor

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Posted on 9th April 2010 by Jade Handy in Coaching |Let's Talk About Language |Persuasion |Relationships |non-verbals and self control

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How do you give someone an experience vs. a recognition?  Recognition meaning a verbal, non-verbal or written compliment or reprimand. 

Example: If you appreciate someone retweeting you on Twitter, don’t thank them, retweet them!  Something they tweeted or blogged would suffice.  What you you like them to do for you in the reverse situation?

This all goes back to giving someone an experience vs. not.  For example, when my children were misbehaving, say, putting their feet on the kitchen table (while they were sitting in booster seats when they were toddlers, of course!)  What’s the best possible answer (for you teachers using multiple-choice out there)?  Explaining why “we don’t do that at the table because it’s impolite” OR pulling them away from the table and not letting them eat for a minute or two while they cry their hearts out?

It’ll take far fewer times to teach them this way, than if you beat them over the head with bad tonality umpteen times, I assure you.

Another example.  If someone is rude, ignore them.  It’s much more powerful than how you’ll come off responding verbally.

This may seem cruel, but sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.  Sometimes it’s not being cruel that you need to be, but reciprocating kindness.

Example, simply giving a child a hug after they sit still and be quiet enough to exit time out.  Or, noticing, frequently, when they do something they’ve been working on changing and giving them a hug and then going outside and swinging. 

You could also acknowledge their good deeds with a smile, a tickle (not recommended in the workplace,) or any number of things you know the person will light up to the moment they see, feel or hear it.

Doing things attaches far greater meaning to actions than words will ever provide.

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Talk is cheap.  -everyone

Smile.  It’ll last longer.  -Jade Handy

Photo Credit:  http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimothy27/3822203072/sizes/l/

I Say This Chiastically

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Posted on 24th March 2010 by Jade Handy in Let's Talk About Language |Persuasion |Relationships

A lot of people are thinking, “How would I ever use this?”  And, that’s a great place to start now that you’re here with me reading what I’m writing.  As I’m writing what you’ll be reading, I hear you now starting to put yourself in a great state to use this the same way you’re connecting with people.. a lot, already!

When you’re talking with someone, typically, you’re not pulling out one-line chiasmuses left and right.  So, how else can you use this?  Well, let’s say a friend of yours feels like she’s starting over.  Starting over feels like, well, starting over.

I remember when I was 18-19-ish.  I was in the midst of some of the most rapid changes a person goes through.  Having just gotten my driver’s permit, my license, and my first car.  I went off into the world.  I wasn’t homeless, but I was without a home.  Traveling from city to city, state to state.  Having a blast having life by the ba***.  No cares, no worries, no wisdom or experience!  Just raw unadulterated gusto!  Ah, that was the life.  If only the younger me had the wisdom and experience I have now.  Think of the possibilities. 

Then there’s now.  I have the wisdom and experience (arguably.)  I have everything (relatively speaking) I wished I had back then.  And I do.  Thinking about having the best of both worlds, now, is even more exciting.  There’s nothing more exhilarating than putting the the gusto and chutzpah of my youth together with the all the benefits I have acquired along the way. 

It’s like a snowball rolling down a hill.  Gathering up snow and tossing off a twig or two along the way.  When it gets to the bottom, it’s bigger than it ever was.  A cute snowman, perhaps.  That’s when the children most like to play with it.  It just attracts them.  Then remembering how it started and where it’s going from here.

So, the chiasmus pattern works like this.  In youth, having experience; having experience, along with youth.  Tie it all together with another metaphor (snowball,) and there you have it.  Something that sticks with you.  Whether you consciously understand it or not.

Not only that, but you get the agreement up front (having experience as a youth would have been great) and then lock it in with what empowers a new perspective on your life, or hers, I mean.  It’s kind of like the rhetorical argumentum a fortiori figure, where if something less likely has occured, then something more likely is more likely to occur.

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“…ask not what your country can do for you — ask what you can do for your country.” John F. Kennedy Inaugural Address, January 20, 1961. (If this pattern changed a whole generation, surely it can change you) ( #chiasmusfor you Twitterers)

“You have seen how a man was made a slave; you shall see how a slave was made a man.” Frederick Douglass, Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass, an American Slave, Written by Himself (If this pattern helped changed a whole race, surely it can help change you) (#chiasmusfor you Twitterers)

Photo Credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/mehradhm/ / CC BY-NC-SA 2.0

You’re So Vain

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Posted on 24th March 2010 by Jade Handy in Coaching |Let's Talk About Language |Relationships

You probably think this post is about you, don’t you, don’t you…

It’s not. 

It’s about the life of a butterfly.  Everyone knows a butterfly starts off as a thought between two caterpillars.  Then, eggs appear on a leaf.  Next, the eggs pop and out comes junior.  Junior runs around.  Junior runs away.  Junior gets a straight jacket put on him just for living day to day.  Frustrated, yet focused, he finds his way.  Out of the Chrysalis, actually, tearing through the chrysalis, the butterfly spreads his wings and…flies compete for it’s air.  That’s what drives us.  The ambiguity of it all, that is.

Paul Sloane does us all a solid with Brilliant Thinkers Relish Ambiguity.  “Brilliant thinkers are very comfortable with ambiguity – they welcome it. Routine thinkers like clarity and simplicity; they dislike ambiguity. There is a tendency in our society to reduce complex issues down to simple issues with obviously clear solutions.”  Are you routine or brilliant?

If your answer is brilliant, which it is, then once more “If we want creative solutions and real innovations then we should welcome ambiguity. We should explore the possibilities of two different things interacting together. We should let opposites play.”  Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

Are you familiar with the Archimedes Effect?  How else are you going to “understand how to take what you’re doing in one instance and extend it out into something bigger or better elsewhere? …Leverage is behind all the most powerful people in the world, but it all starts somewhere.” says Chris Brogan (what does he know, right?). 

There’s not a whole lot of ambiguity going on here, so create your own. 

Here’s what I say, “Understanding and implementing the Archimedes Effect is the same as understanding the life cycle of a butterfly.  So, show the butterfly how to implement this.”

Photo Credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/ecstaticist/ / CC BY-NC-SA 2.0

I Shouldn’t Have To

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Posted on 18th March 2010 by Jade Handy in Coaching |Let's Talk About Language |Peak Performance |Persuasion |Relationships

In all my years of selling, probably the most prevalent mindset among non-performers is the mindset of “I shouldn’t have to.”  Either the product should sell itself, the company should advertise more, giving them a brochure should be enough, or the customer is an idiot if they don’t buy it.  All of these attitudes get a person…no where.

Currently, I’m reading a political-based rhetoric book.  I won’t reveal the title or the political slant for three reasons.  Number one, I’m not of this particular party or movement.  I’m merely gleaning the persuasive elements that it specifically teaches.  Number two, you’ll get more from this post if I don’t.  You should just want to learn what it has to teach you.  And, that’s not the frame I’m going for here.  And thirdly, the psychological concepts are neutrally effective and more historically established than the particular content, anyway.

For quite a number of years now, I have lived by the following mental frame - Should is s—, that’s what isn’t.  You have to deal with what is.  Why?  Because whether or not it’s true, it’s empowering me to focus on knowing the difference between those things I can change and those that I cannot.  And, when I can, I must.  I must adjust the response I’m getting until I get what I want. 

The political book I was talking about sets out the most detrimental frames of it’s followers.  The negative frames are “the truth will set us free.  If we just tell people the facts, since people are basically rational beings, they’ll all reach the right conclusions.  But we know from cognitive science that people do not think like that.”  Also, we know this from common sense.

Going back to selling, what do you think is the mindset of top performers?  Blow with the wind or adjust your sails?…  That’s right.  Good ears, too, by the way.  I’m explaining this by setting a frame, so that you’ll see it differently.

Now let’s move towards the intended context of this article.  Relationships.  Between people, mostly.  Improving domestic relationships are particularly challenging.  First of all, you have two individuals that have to find a way to get along ’til death do they part.  Secondly, they have to find ways to motivate each other to do certain things throughout.  I know what you’re saying to yourself, “I shouldn’t have to, they should just want to.”  Or some variation.

But, now that we’ve framed this for you, you can think of it differently now.  If you’re wondering how to use this, specifically, what you have just learned, then read all of my other posts to date.  Another way is to follow my public appearances.

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Say what you mean, mean what you say.  -unknown (#chiasmus for you Twitterers)

Everyone wants the other person to make them happy, so go first!  -Jade Handy (#ambiguity for you Twitterers)

Photo Credit: flickr.com – rgordon / CC BY-NC-ND 2.0

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