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Give Them the Courtesy of Returning the Favor

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Posted on 9th April 2010 by Jade Handy in Coaching |Let's Talk About Language |Persuasion |Relationships |non-verbals and self control

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How do you give someone an experience vs. a recognition?  Recognition meaning a verbal, non-verbal or written compliment or reprimand. 

Example: If you appreciate someone retweeting you on Twitter, don’t thank them, retweet them!  Something they tweeted or blogged would suffice.  What you you like them to do for you in the reverse situation?

This all goes back to giving someone an experience vs. not.  For example, when my children were misbehaving, say, putting their feet on the kitchen table (while they were sitting in booster seats when they were toddlers, of course!)  What’s the best possible answer (for you teachers using multiple-choice out there)?  Explaining why “we don’t do that at the table because it’s impolite” OR pulling them away from the table and not letting them eat for a minute or two while they cry their hearts out?

It’ll take far fewer times to teach them this way, than if you beat them over the head with bad tonality umpteen times, I assure you.

Another example.  If someone is rude, ignore them.  It’s much more powerful than how you’ll come off responding verbally.

This may seem cruel, but sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.  Sometimes it’s not being cruel that you need to be, but reciprocating kindness.

Example, simply giving a child a hug after they sit still and be quiet enough to exit time out.  Or, noticing, frequently, when they do something they’ve been working on changing and giving them a hug and then going outside and swinging. 

You could also acknowledge their good deeds with a smile, a tickle (not recommended in the workplace,) or any number of things you know the person will light up to the moment they see, feel or hear it.

Doing things attaches far greater meaning to actions than words will ever provide.

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Talk is cheap.  -everyone

Smile.  It’ll last longer.  -Jade Handy

Photo Credit:  http://www.flickr.com/photos/chimothy27/3822203072/sizes/l/

Lay of the Land

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Posted on 15th February 2010 by Jade Handy in non-verbals and self control

If this is obvious and second nature to you, this post is not for you.

Get the lay of the land before speaking.  Why?  Look, again—->

And, because, most of the time, if you don’t, it will be considered unsolicited advice or “your 2 cents worth.”  Either way, you might as well not.  I wrote an earlier post about merging into others’ conversations.  This is very similar, but more utilizes silent observation. 

When you’re new to a group of people who have history together previous to your presence, it’s pretty much a guarantee that any strong early assertive interjections will be noticed.  Noticed in a way that will rub them wrong.  Quite possibly and if your fortunate, they’ll never even elude to it.  I don’t know the psychological explanation for this, but people will feel like you haven’t earned the right to try and take control of the situation.  Human nature, I guess.  Even doctors know that prescription before diagnosis is grounds for malpractice.

On the other hand, IF YOU DO get the lay of the land first, you’ll have a great opportunity to start off on the right foot.  Test the water before you jump in.  Start tight and then loosen up.

Start tight and loosen up is a concept I remember learning when I was playing poker.  This was strictly with friends at house parties, and there was always a good percentage of fairly new faces.  Something I read in poker books said to not bid on hands and certainly to not go “all in” until several hands, maybe even several games.  Another strategy playing into this was playing the odds.  Meaning, don’t go for the bluff, don’t try to stake a claim early, play safe have rooted in statistical possibilities.  This is called “playing tight aggressive.”

The more quickly you can develop a reputation for playing tight, the more likely you’ll have your way with them when you do have a hand worth something.  Bluffing will come more smooth, as well.  When they see you making big moves, they’ll take notice and figure you must have something going for yourself.  The change in your strategy will get attention.  When you have their attention the first few times, make it work for you and you’ll add to your already established reputation in an advantageous way.

Whether playing poker or participating in a team event, work orientation, longer sales cycle-type sales, leadership advisory meeting, lay low for a while until you have a reputation for “when in Rome, you’re a Roman.”  After you have this established, then, and only then, play a hand that is a dead ringer.


Photo credit:  Flickr – FRICTION NYC

State of Mind Coaching – How is it Different?

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Posted on 13th February 2010 by Jade Handy in Coaching |Let's Talk About Language |Objection Strategies |Peak Performance |Persuasion |Selling Language |Sports and Athletes |non-verbals and self control

State Of Mind Coaching How Is It Different

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What Every Presenter Should Know About What They Should be Doing

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Posted on 9th February 2010 by Jade Handy in Let's Talk About Language |Peak Performance |Persuasion |Selling Language |non-verbals and self control

A close friend emailed a link to this to me as an email forward.  I’m sure she had no idea I would be dissecting it!  But I couldn’t help myself.  There’s an old saying that dissecting humor is like dissecting a frog.  You have to kill it in the process!  Luckily, we’re dissecting persuasion, instead!

Jeanne does at least three very powerful things in this video, so, if you haven’t watched it yet, do so now. 

Jeanne, in this video, uses anchoring masterfully.  If you don’t know what anchoring is, think classical conditioning and operant conditioning, or simply think associating one thing to another (in this case, another thing is laughter.)  She anchors her humor both facially and spacially especially well.

Notice, as you watch this now, how she associates so much laughter to her head dropping (facially), then utilizes this later to regain the laughter.  Comedians do this non-stop in stand-up and on sitcoms. 

Notice, also, how naturally she uses the stage (spacially) to associate certain feelings to different places on the stage.  At one point, she even mentions what she is doing.  She says she’s going to go back into the kitchen. 

Meanwhile, in between bits of head drops and laughter, she drops the body of the message.  Wrapping the message this way looks natural and subtle.  Maybe it is and maybe it also helps contain and package the information for her audience to “get.”

There may be things I’m not even telling you about.  Just to get you to call me.

If you don’t know how your leaders, top salespeople, influencers, and persuaders use (or could use) the same techniques to accomplish their communication goals, CALL ME at 515-205-3100 BEFORE your competition does!

Can I Help You?

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Posted on 9th February 2010 by Jade Handy in Let's Talk About Language |Persuasion |Selling Language |non-verbals and self control

Not likely.  Not on your best day with that line.  Not if you haven’t noticed that the majority of the time you’re getting a “no.”  Especially in a retail environment, if the customer walking in is walking away from you, imagine that you are not their target.  Imagine, if they are briskly walking not in your direction, that they may know what they want and where to find it.

Now, to be fair, I did see an exception to this today at the mall – hey, daddy-daughter time.  The sales clerk followed up immediately after the “no, we’re just looking” with, “Want to try our new spring fling flavor while you look?”  Much to my surprise, the customer broke stride, walked out of her way to sniff it, then walked away.  Not so fast though, I don’t stand here corrected.  Props on her persistence, her lack of a “Do you…” before the “want to…”(creates a command vs. a question) and she paced their objection with “while you look.”  But, and that’s a big but, she still got a “no” to help and, she still did not sell anything to her!

Better: ”Let me know if I can help you, today.” (with a smile) This gets an “okay” response and presupposes “help you buy something” (it`s like a short URL) and sets the time frame, “today.”

Best: Smile when the customer walks in to let them know you’ve noticed them.  Wait until the customer looks in your direction a few times or walks over to you. Then ask if you can help them.

I have, on occasion, come across good retail openers.  More times than not, though, they open badly.  One time, in particular, that I remember well, was when I was shopping for something and the young male sales clerk literally followed me around the store like a stalker.  Clearly, it was sheer misguided naiveté. But, none the less, it was very awkward and uncomfortable. So, I told him, gently, “when you follow me around like that, it makes me uncomfortable and less likely to buy something.”  He apologized, profusely.  I accepted, and showed my acceptance by pretending it never happened while I continued to shop and eventually buy something.

Photo Credit: ewww/CC BY-NC 2.0

How Do You Know Your Leader is Good?

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Posted on 22nd January 2010 by Jade Handy in Persuasion |Selling Language |non-verbals and self control

How do you know?  They have followers?  That’s a given – hence the title.  Well, from my perspective, looking back to good leaders I’ve observed, they grab you where you’re at and take you with them into the future. 

Great, Jade Handy. How do they do this?

Now, remember getting onto a freeway.  And, as you do what you need to do in order to get on the freeway and fly ahead of everyone, looking back, how did you do it? 

Let’s take a side trip for a moment.  I know everyone has had the experience of the person who can’t seque into a conversation effectively.  They walk up, make a comment from left field based on one isolated snippet of your very one on one conversation with someone else.  They can’t merge, so they guilt you into slowing down for them.  Or, you have to speed right on by them and risk getting a ticket (pink slip from your boss, or whatever.) 

Instead, they could have first assessed the situation, gathered some history, grabbed a bit of the last thing you said and willingly take you with them in a tangential direction, right?

This is what powerful communicators do.  They meet you where you’re at - the present - they quickly acknowledge the history of the situation while building common ground, then take you into the future, elegantly.

A corporate communication example:  It’s a new year, and aren’t we glad we aren’t in 2009, any longer.  So now, let’s look forward to a new year.  In the coming year we’ll take on new challenges and opportunities…

A sales example:  Thanks for meeting with me, today.  What was it I said when we talked on the phone that made you decide to see if we have a basis for doing business in the near future? 

Now, I wrote about something similar in a previous post, if you haven’t already read it, do so soon.  Also, there are other resources if you want to maximize your conversation merging skills.

Photo credit: iStockPhoto

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