Because I work with athletes’ mental game preparation and because doing so is just a direct application of the information in the posts of this blog, with one of the few differences being just context (sports vs. sales, customer service, communication, management, etc.), I have been asked from several child-athlete parents about what parents can do to boost their childrens’ sports performance.
I usually set the frame that, first of all, I assume the child has a desire to perform at the level that the parents want them to perform. Second, that the parent understands a child is a child, not a professional athlete. Which means keep it in perspective. Third, any attempt to steer the child away from the direction the child wants to go will quickly be snuffed out and rejected, much like a woman snuffing out a creep making a baseless compliment.
After setting goals and outcomes (by just talking about what’s going to happen in the future) and the short term action steps to get there, it really just comes down to language. Unless, of course, you’re calling plays like a pitcher to a catcher, or a coach to the quarterback, with hand signals!
Most parents are not tuned into what really motivates a child. First of all, it’s not the benefits that you think you’d want if you were their age. Example. I hear parents saying, “if you use your napkin, your clothes will stay clean.” Or, “if you eat your peas, you’ll grow big and strong.” Or, “win this next game and you’ll have a better chance of playing on the team you want.” Or, worse yet, “if you practice strong this week, you won’t screw up on game day.” Or, even worse yet, “If you don’t practice hard, you’ll be playing on junior varsity instead of varsity.”
One of the greats in the field of success psychology and sports psychology, Denis Waitley, in his bestselling book and corresponding audio set, The Psychology of Winning, tells the following story.
The World Series, in the 1950s. New York Yankees, Milwaukee Braves. Warren Spahn, the great Milwaukee left-handed pitcher on the mound. Elston Howard, the great Yankee catcher at the plate. Score tied. Two men on, two men out. Three and two. A critical part of the series. And a critical part of the game. The manager walks out of the dugout to give Warren Spahn, the great pitcher, some encouraging motivating advice. “Don’t give him a high outside pitch, he’ll knock it out of the park,” said the manager. And walked back to the dugout. Warren Spahn said to himself, “why did he have to say it to me in that way.” Let’s see, “don’t give him a high outside pitch.” “The reverse of that is…” too late. Like a neon sign, high and outside came as the dominant message. Out of the park went the ball. A 3-run homer. Because of that one dominant thought Milwaukee almost lost the World Series. But Eddie Mathews came in with a home run to save the game and the series for the Braves. Warren Spahn, to this day says, “why would anyone ever try to motivate anyone with the reverse of what they want?” And so it is, with all of life’s confrontations. You tell your children, “clean up your room, you little pigs.” And what do you get? You’re right, you get a pigsty. And the kids say, “oink oink.” Remind them enough, and they know who they are. That’s like motivating and office staff by saying, “firings will continue until morale improves.” You know, it just won’t work. I know many series for the coaches who unwittingly set up their players for losing performances every day. Here’s an example and basketball. “Missing free throws is what loses big games, team,” yells the coach. “You’re all going to stay late during practice and shoot free throws until you stop missing them so often.” While the winning coach would take advantage of the positive motivation opportunity by saying, “teams with high free-throw averages win ballgames.” “I want you to put an extra 15 minutes a day making your free throws in practice, so that when we get them during next week’s game, we’ll make all we can, and will win the game.” You see, this is the right way to motivate.
It’s hard to come up with a story that better illustrates how to motivate children with language.
In sports team trainings, I conduct a simple, yet effective, exercise that gets this “in the muscle.” I have the team try to get the object person to do a predetermined task with the catch being they can only say what not to do. They usually get the goal, but in many more steps than it would have taken if they were to be able to express directly and in positive terms what they want the object person to do.
I even practice this at home with my very young daughter. I make sure instead of expressing what I don’t want, expressing what I do want. e.g. instead of “don’t drip on your shirt” I say, “eat over your plate,” etc. Sometimes it’s challenging to find the positive behavior, but it’s very effective in streamlining a learning strategy.
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